Ironman 2 Needs Whip Topping!

Ironman 2 is doomed. In the same way pale, listless Gwyneth Paltrow looks as though Edward Cullen grew a pair and angrily drained the blood from her carcass (yet … she … lives), the sequel to one of the best films of 2009 is doomed to lay a box-office egg for one reason.

And it’s this:

It’s the whips. Films with whips in them tank faster than films named “Booty Call” or films that don’t rhyme with “Blavablar.” A hero or a villain with a whip is the movie equivalent of the swarthy guy who wears a bath robe all the time, wears a lot of cologne and has a lot of lotions and oils around his pad.

“Moh-tur-ehnnn!”

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Indiana Jones. And you’d be right thinking that, except that in Indiana Jones, Indy’s whip is nothing more than a grappling hook, using  it to swing across chasms. Or, most notable, an extension of his penis, as he ropes in Kate Capshaw for some IndyFab lovin’.

“I wrapped it all the way around your waist.”

That’s because no one wants to see people being whipped. We recoil when dumb Americans fly to the Pacific Rim, attempt to smuggle drugs and then get put out in public for a caning. It’s torture. It’s S & M. It’s zipper masks and latex. It’s … it’s … wait. I need a second here …

… just one more sec … annnd … OH HAI …

We don’t want THAT kind of violence inflicted on us. Why? We project ourselves through the character. We’re Tony Stark, Rhodey Rhodes or Pepper Potts. Whatever the case, we’ll gladly take a bullet or get smashed in the jaw. But 30 lashes from the photovoltaic strands that Whiplash brings, no way. We can barely tolerate pats on the back anymore for good work. Why would you think we’d want to watch someone getting welts from a bullwhip? Or, in this case, an electrofied, jazzed up version of the Balrog’s lava strands that PWN Gandalf in “The Fellowship of the Ring.”

He’s saying, “I’m SOOOO suing for copyright and patent infringement.”

Other whip movies that suck, you ask? I Googled “films with whips,” “movies with whips,” and “films featuring whips.” I even googled “films featuring whips as weapons.” I even sucked it up and, erm, BINGed it. And you know the film that popped up most often, the one search engines go crazy for, the one all whip connoisseurs clamor over? This one:

Metaphorical whips?

In short, aside from Dr. Jones’ foray into a light leather play, there are none. You’d think somewhere along the line, the whip-making companies would break through the juggernaut that is the gun business and get a feature film. It ain’t happened. It won’t.

Now, I could go on about a few other movie traps I caught in the preview (More Iron Mans than needed on screen; the villain is an iron Man; Gwyneth Paltrow), but it’s safe to say that this film … wait.

What’s that? “Avatar” made a billion in 17 days? And it’s simply Smurfs meets “Dances With Wolves” with exceptional CG and 3-D? And people are still spending movie dollars like 11 percent employment isn’t fact? And that it’s FREAKING IRON MAN, Jason?

Oh. Well, then … whip it good.

4 Responses to “Ironman 2 Needs Whip Topping!”

1. Lord Shaper says:

   07/01/2010 at 10:20 pm

   Another great article Jason!

2. stacey says:

   08/01/2010 at 12:08 am

   Well I’ve got THAT stuck in my head for the rest of the day now, thanks Sparky. 😛

   Think I’ll give this one a miss and head over for some Jones’ lovin’ instead. 😉

3. jst5150 says:

   08/01/2010 at 1:10 am

   Also under ‘using a whip’, I probably should have included Antonio Banderas in “Zorro.” But it’s a secondary weapon and, again, an extension of his you know what. He never actually whips guys. He just dances around them, cuts Zs into the walls and gets KZJ before Gordon Gekko does.

4. Boston says:

   08/01/2010 at 1:52 am

   You know, I watched that trailer with trepidation, and couldn’t put my finger on why it filled me with so much dread. Now I can. Of all the villains they had to choose from, they went with Whiplash? WHIPLASH??? Fing Fang Foom (or whatever the dragon’s name is) would have been a better choice.

   Great post.