6 Ways to Prove Batman is a Pimp

Iceberg Slim, Memphis Mack and Too Short. Lantern Corps villains? Teen Titan foes? Hell, no. And while you may be think of Batman as a guardian of the night, using his superior strength, reflexes, acumen and skills to quell the rise of crime in Gotham, he is really not much more than, well, this:

Or rather, more succinctly put, Batman aka Bruce Wayne (aka, from The Pimp Name Generator, Vicious D. Bruce Slick … I wish I could make this up …) is a pimp. A grade-A, funkified, no bullshit, works at night, drives a fly ride and has hos, pimp. Save a daytime cane to carry with his daytime Armani suit, Vicious D’s history, territory and threads all point to six ways why he will be attending the Pimps N Ho’s Ball in 2010. Here they are:

6.  He dresses the part. My God, can Batman find some fly threads. Now, unlike his pimping counterparts, he prefers them skin tight and probably made of Kevlar. However, since the 1930s, he’s had more outfits than Lady Gaga. The grey suit. The blue suit. The grey and blue suit. The black outfit. Countless other alternative universe versions in red, chartreuse, lavender. He’s his own set of Village People

And capes! Every pimp wishes they could sport a cape like Bruce Wayne. Long, flowing and he can use his to fly. There are pimps dreaming of soaring from ho to ho collecting nightly earnings. But the hat with the ears? Well, you know, let a playah play.

These guys are just like the Justice League …

… while these guys are the new Super Friends.

Just sayin’. More outfit changes than a fashion show.

5.  He drives a pimp mobile. Like any good pimp, he’s rolled on something sweet since his start, but none of the Batman vehicles epitomizes this more than the 1960’s TV version of the Batmobile. Fish tales and chrome in the back. Red accents. At least as long as a Cadillac, the original Batmobile rode smooth and cool. Not too much fire, but plenty of bling plus a ragtop.

This is like carrying a pimp gold card.

The next incarnation of the Batmobile got fatter and came with Michael Keaton behind the wheel. Not to playah hate, but the Keaton version of the Batmobile was better left in the garage.

First, where the hell is the cupholder for the crunk
goblet? Second, who the fuck parked my ride next to a Smart Car?

The latest Batmobile moved completely away from big pimpin’ and onto to mudbogging. It also looks like a cockroach with Hummer tires. Wha?

How am I supposed to get mine in this?

4. He’s got bitches and territory. Speaking of having bitches, Batman’s got hundreds of “where’s my money, ho?”-styled informants he works over every night. Slinking around through Gotham’s worst subdivisions means Bats whacks a lot of the same people over and over. There’s no diplomacy and no pimp should ever have diplomacy in the first place. “Where’s my money, mother fucker” then caps in the ass is standard fare when G’s are up and hos are down. And that’s that. Bats’ pimp walk is no different.

Don’t stiff Bats on his info, no matter who you are.

3. He carries the ultimate pager. Need to hit him up for a booty call? Client’s back in town who needs some attention, even one with special needs (Hello, Joker …)? No problem. Flip the switch on the Batsignal and, voila, Bats shows up with whatever you need. And don’t forget about all that bling on his utility belt, including several pouches for cash and cigarettes.

This belt in particular is the shizzle …

… while this belt would get Bats kicked out of the annual Pimp N’ Ho Ball.

2. He has a pimp name — two, in fact. Batman would be enough, and if he’s not careful, he’ll have more alternative names than marijuana (which, for a pimp, isn’t a bad thing …).  And it’s not like he does anything to keep anyone from using them. In fact, he encourages it. The more names, the better. However, we conveniently forget that Batman is psychotic, and that he probably calls himself names like Raging Killer Bat Monkey, Bunny Dimples Whupass or the Waffle Iron That Owns the Night.  He doesn’t care. He’s like a zombie hunting brains, and he’s off his Batrocker.

Great. Now there’s something ELSE to call him.

1.  He keeps his pimp hand strong. Well, yeah. I mean, he works all day pushing a multi-billion dollar corporation single-handedly up the Fortune 500 list then goes back to Wayne Manor (a pimp pad if there ever was one), throws on his threads and starts GETTING PROVERBIALLY PAID:

Like this.

And this.

AND THIS.

Not enough has been made of the fact that Batman would snap your collarbone if he caught you jay walking on his shift. Just remember that when it’s time to smack a bitch up, NO ONE will do it with the panache and icy coldness of Batman. He’s a pimp.

Play on, Vicious D. Play on.

3 Responses to “6 Ways to Prove Batman is a Pimp”

1. Alan says:

   27/09/2009 at 9:04 am

   Brilliant – well done. I really enjoyed this, and Batman is my favourite fiction character of all time!

2. Boston says:

   27/09/2009 at 9:21 am

   This was hysterical. I wasn’t sure what to expect from the title, but raucous laughter wasn’t it. I will never look at my favorite character in quite the same way again.

   And you know, if the Joker had wheels, he’d fit this profile, too.

3. jst5150 says:

   27/09/2009 at 9:23 am

   Thanks for the comments, guys! This was a fun column to write!